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my father and i were sitting on the porch in the late afternoon, watching a movie as the sky darkened and crickets began to sing. for a moment, i felt content. now the house was quiet, and we were outside, watching the movie he liked. i knew the proper routine: we were going to watch a movie, then have dinner, and then it was going to be time for me to go to bed.
as we finished the movie, i was alone in the kitchen, drinking water from the tap. my father had asked to be excused from dinner, and had gone out to walk the streets. i put the glass down and looked at the telephone. though it had only been a few weeks since he had started to be able to call me and no longer needed someone in the house to answer the phone, he had been reluctant to use the phone. he joked about being old enough to have memories of dialing the telephone every night to call my mother, but the subject was delicate: if he couldnt make the call himself, he did not like to ask someone else to. i looked at the receiver for a few seconds. i longed to know that my mother was on the line, to talk to her, to know her voice again, to hear her laughter and smile and tell me that everything was going to be all right. she had worked for so many years in an office and never left a house, i thought, it would be so nice to take her to lunch and go window shopping and talk about how she liked my sweater. that was another thing that disappointed me, that my father could not take me out.
it was just before 9 p.m. when i heard my father coming home, and i was relieved that he was not angry at me. he had been at the billiard hall with a group of men, and i had thought he would be angry at me for coming home so late, but he was happy to see me. i was still in my school uniform and holding a damp cloth as i sat on the sofa. he sat next to me, and put his arm around me. as he kissed the top of my head, i could sense his eyes looking at my face. “what have you been up to?” he asked. i told him a little bit about school, and as he was squeezing my thigh, i wondered how many times he had touched me through my clothes that evening. “you sure are a good girl,” he said.
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